5 Ways That Food Makes Me Mad [Opinion]
Getting mad at food? This should give you an idea about the delicate mental balance that exists in mind of the guy you wake up with every morning on 97.3 The Dawg. Yes I do get mad at inanimate objects, so do you. You yell at TV, your car the government they are all not capable of listening but still you yell. So let me share with you some ways that food makes me mad.
Premature Hot Dog-ulation – This humbling and t-shirt ruining event happens every year around Memorial Day and the Fourth of July. People like you and I have loaded our hot dog up with condiments like mustard, relish, hot sauce and others. We begin to eat and enjoy the wiener. It must be physics or something because premature hot dog-ulation usually occurs on the first bite past the half way point on the roll. That pressure of that bite forces a build up of condiments out the butt end of the hot dog roll and that usually results in an unsightly and highly noticeable stain on your shirt or shorts. This stream of goo is amplified if the hot dog has chili on it.
Citrus Tear Jerker– I love to eat oranges. I especially like Navel Oranges that are seedless and easy to peel. When you get them at just the right time they are sweet, full and juicy. It is the juice that I have the issue with. I know it’s happened to you too. You get an orange, peel it and separate the sections. You sink your teeth into one of the sections and just outside your lips the orange begins to hemorrhage juice like the pig at the boucherie. If you’re eating at your desk this juice is now all over your computer screen or in the eyes of your coworkers. That means you are now looking for Windex or an eye wash kit and in some cases both.
Bacon’s Revenge– As much as I love bacon you’d think there would be no way I could find fault with this food. You would be wrong. Bacon is devious. While it is cooking in my frying pan it sits and waits. It waits for me to reach over with the tongs to turn it over and it is that precise moment it pops a huge molten hot missile of searing grease directly on to my hand. If I wear an oven mitt, it fires the grease further up my arm. I also don’t believe bacon enjoys being part of sandwich. I think it believes it should be eaten alone. Every time I put bacon on a sandwich and take a bite, the bacon does not separate. It stays intact and when I pull the sandwich away I basically pull the guts out of my sandwich all riding a stubborn slab of bacon to freedom on the counter top, floor or front of my shirt.
The Last Straw- This epic battle between me and food usually happens when I eat at Sonic. Don’t get me wrong I like Sonic a lot. They need to keep the Ragin Cajun Burger on the menu all year long but other than that they are good people. My favorite drink at Sonic is a strawberry limeade. The folks at Sonic make it with real strawberries, real lime and I guess real ade too. Here is the problem, this concoction is so delicious you just have to drink it fast. It is during one of those mighty sucks that a hunk of strawberry will get lodged in the straw creating a large enough vacuum force to reverse the process and instead of pulling scrumptious drink out of the cup your brain and lungs are being sucked back down the straw. Fortunately when that happens I am usually in my car and my internal organs a fairly easy to recover.
Lettuce See You Cry – Salad is by nature not friendly to the male of the species. Salad is a female friendly food. Girls know how to choose the right toppings, put just the right amount of dressing and add the croutons so they all fit on the plate. When I make a salad at a salad bar you can count on bits of boiled egg falling in the okra, some cheese drifting into the cherry tomatoes and a cascade of Ranch Dressing over the side of my plate into the crackers. That’s just making the darn thing. Eating a salad presents a whole other litany of problems. There is always that one leaf of lettuce that is too big or odd shaped so you have to contort your face to fit it in your mouth. There is the tomato, broccoli or egg piece that gets hug up on the end of your fork and won’t allow you to penetrate any thing else without removing it. Finally there is the crouton that you can’t spear with the fork. You chase it all over the plate only to have it shoot off into your lap mocking you with a greasy trail of dressing behind it.
Are you convinced I have issues between my ears now? I wouldn’t be so quick to criticize I bet most of these things have happened to you too. You should complain to someone. It won’t change anything but it will make you feel better.