Bruce’s 5 Simple Truths About Dogs, Constipation, Counseling, Chicken and Voice Mail
With age comes wisdom at least that is what we are told in our younger years. I have certainly been doing fine with the age part but so far wisdom is taking its own sweet time at making itself known to me. However as I contemplate life, I dare to reflect on my thoughts in this public forum. I have had a bit of an epiphany and will now reveal to you, 5 simple truths that cannot be denied.
Those of us that choose not to face the truth on this issue will swear that the reason they check their voice mail so often is because they are afraid of missing an important call. Anyone who gives you this reason is overly self-absorbed and a liar. The honest truth about voice mail and the reason we all check it, to get rid of the annoying little voice mail icon or to make the blinking light on the phone mercifully stop. How many times have you checked in to a hotel where no one knows you, only to find the message light blinking? Like a moth to a flame we are compelled to pick up the darn phone and call the message center only to find there is no message. Then when we put the phone back in the cradle we find the damn light is still blinking. We then call the front desk. We ask if there is a message. Again when the answer is NO we ask for the light to be turned off. When the manager tells us “it shouldn’t be flashing” that is when we come unglued. How can anyone relax with that blinking light consuming our conscious reality? We then teach technology an old school lesson in how to survive on this planet, using the intelligence that brought us to the top of the food chain we solve the problem, by throwing a towel on top of the phone. That’s just one more way to remove the voice mail icon from in front of our face.
There finally somebody, namely me, had the guts to say this out loud. Think of all the bizarre foods that someone has tempted you to try. What is the first thing they say about the flavor of (insert any food here). For the sake of example let’s say roasted dinosaur butt? “It tastes just like chicken”, I guarantee you will hear those words before you place the first morsel in your mouth. Is tasting like chicken supposed to provide us with a false sense of comfort? Or is it simply a ruse we create to convince our brain that eating something we shouldn’t be eating is worth putting into our mouth? Why chicken? To be honest, if chicken isn’t seasoned well it tastes a lot like unflavored Play Doh. How do I know what Play Doh tastes like? Back when I was younger a friend of mine convinced me to eat some by telling me it tasted just like chicken.
Have you ever watched a program on television that is targeting female viewership? Next time you find yourself without the remote control and you are forced to watch The View, The Talk, Ellen or anything on the Lifetime network make a note of the ads you see. I promise you that within 15 minutes you will see an advertisement for a product that helps you poo. I apologize for having to state that publicly but the truth, unlike other things, must come out. For years we were told “that not so fresh feeling” was a woman’s greatest challenge, it’s not that at all. Ladies, be honest with me, you have all tried that yogurt haven’t you? You’ve all tried that stuff you sprinkle on your cereal right? Do realize that to a man, the words “stool softener” conjure up the image of a padded seat at a bar? You have tried the medicines, natural remedies and instruments of torture we shall not discuss here. Still you are still bloated, miserable and mad at all of us guys who do the deed several times a day. This is the real reason there is friction between the genders, the girls are jealous of the boys ability to keep the train running right on time. This leads to arguments, hurt feelings and divorce. What is the solution? I really don’t know if I did I would be getting Jamie Lee Curtis to sell it for me on television.
As humans we are quite the smug species aren’t we? We think we know it all, we have it all and we are in control. Get ready for the slap of cold hard truth right across your face; we are none of the above. Have you ever seen a dog in a therapist office to get counseling for depression? Have you ever seen a dog throw a beer mug through a television set because Reggie Bush fumbled the ball? Have you ever seen a dog stress out about anything? They don’t, they’re just happy all the time. For example watch a dog in room full of people? He will walk quietly up to the first person he sees and allow that person to appreciate him. When that person stops petting the dog he moves on to the next person. The dog will eventually work his way around the entire room. Wouldn’t you love to be able to do that in a room full of people you’re meeting for the first time? I think dogs have it figured out, they are here, and therefore they are happy. Dogs have learned the correct answer to the question, what time is it? The answer is always NOW. That is because NOW is what it’s all about, the past has gone, the future isn’t promised and right NOW somebody might be willing to scratch you behind the ears and that makes the day worth living.
What is the purpose of counseling? To help us make an honest evaluation of our current situation and formulate a response and understanding of how to deal with that situation. Since most of our problems are directly related to guilt most of them can be resolved by simply setting the record straight in our hearts, minds, and with the persons we have wronged. Therefore I would like to submit into evidence, every “Judge Show” that is on TV in the afternoons. If you watch Judge Judy, The Peoples Court, Judge Joe Brown or any of the court programs you see therapy right before your eyes. Your teachers are right there on the screen with their gold teeth, tube tops and overly abundant ear hair. The people on these shows are facing the truth and getting on with their lives. These TV shows dare to correct the toughest situations don’t they. For example, you knew it was a loan; nobody just goes out and pays the rent for you unless they are your parents! You scratched your friend’s car when you threw their new HD TV out the window because he slept with your girlfriend; you are responsible. You have no talent as a rapper and that’s why the guy who recorded your awful demo record can’t sell it to anybody. Face the truth people, don’t live in a fantasy world of “I’m right and the rest of the world is wrong”. The world isn’t out to get you; it’s your own feet stepping in the doggie doo of life because you weren’t paying attention. Watch these programs, learn their messages and for God’s sake don’t ever throw away your receipts!