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The Most Annoying Songs Ever: Bruce’s 5 Reasons To Poke Your Ears Out

Music hath charm to soothe the savage beast; it can also make you want to stick a sharp object in both ears just to make it quit. Ladies and gentlemen this is your warning, the next few paragraphs could ruin your day, your week or even dredge up painful memories that your subconscious mind has been working to repress for decades. These are the “earworms”: the songs that burrow into your brain and get stuck in the cracks. Your mind will play these horrendous songs over and over and over again driving you to madness. Do you think you are strong enough to face the 5 most God-awful songs in the history of music?


Its a Small World


I bet just reading those words has caused a microscopic MP3 player in your brain to begin playing a haunting melody. The song believe it or not was inspired by one of the tensest times in American history. The song came about because of the Cuban Missile crisis in 1962. A few years later in 1964 Walt Disney was looking for a song that could be translated into several different languages and be sung as a round, much like Row,Row,Row Your Boat, for an exhibit at the 1964 World’s Fair in New York. The song filled the bill perfectly and this anthem of world peace and mind numbing repetition was born. Here’s an interesting fact, of all the Disney songs every written or recorded, this is the only one that does not hold a copyright. The United Nations Children’s Fund requested that status so that the song might be shared internationally as a gift to the children of the world and reminder that peace can be as close as reaching out to a neighbor. Wow that makes it kind of hard to absolutely despise this song doesn’t it? Nope? Me neither. I can continue to strongly dislike this one for the rest of my life without any problems.


I Love You, You Love Me


If you have children, or have had children since 1982 you probably have come to know the brain searing sound of a certain purple dinosaur singing his closing number. Barney the dinosaur, he loves you, we love him and the words “Daddy play it again” were about to be heard out of the mouth of your growing toddler. What is it about this song? Is it the nasally vocal delivery? Is it the fact that you’ve just sat through a half hour a some of the worst child acting you’ll ever see? Is it our basic adult cynicism that tells us this is not the real world? Regardless this song not only made our list but has been employed as an instrument of torture on those that might do this country harm. That’s right the worst of the worst detainees at Guantanamo Bay Cuba have been forced to listen to this song as a way of making them spill their guts. Does this make Barney a real American Hero?


The Chicken Dance


I don’t know if we have ever been at war with the Dutch but for me this would be a good reason to cross the Atlantic and pull all the little boys fingers out of all the leaky dikes and just let the sea rush in. The Chicken Dance, it has a long and sordid past in Europe but believe it or not it didn’t migrate to the shores of the United States until 1981. This is where fate plays a cruel joke on all of us. The song is actually called “The Duck Dance” or “The Dance of the Little Birds” but leave it Oklahoma to mess things up for the rest of the country. In 1981 at an Oktoberfest celebration in Tulsa, the Heilbron Band was seeking to demonstrate the song and dance to the crowd. Alas, there were no duck costumes to be found in the great state of Oklahoma, there was only a chicken costume. The dance was demonstrated with the chicken suit and a local TV station picked up the story. To this day that is why Oklahoma is hit with so many terrible storms, it’s a payback for the evil they unleashed by helping to make this song a part of the ear numbing musical landscape of America.


Peanut Butter Jelly Time


Please let me know what awful act had to occur for this particular piece of alleged music to be thrust into the social consciousness? This is a lot like a joke your boss tells, it’s kind of quaint and you sort of chuckle the first time you hear it. Then you hear it again and because of your mastery of social skills you smile and pretend to be amused. The third time you hear it, you are getting totally annoyed and then any time after the third time you are ready to kill with an absence of malice. The song started out cute enough, a cartoon banana singing the phrase “peanut butter jelly time” over and over again. It takes a person with average intelligence about 17.3 seconds to go from slightly amused to blood lust killer so be careful if you listen to this song. It’s performed by the Buckwheat Boyz, I suspect they are illegitimate children of space aliens and were left on this planet to control our minds. This song has been featured on the TV Show Family Guy, a show that figures into our final selection as well.


Surfin Bird


In the early 1960’s America was still innocent, we had met Elvis but still the Beatles had not crossed the Atlantic Ocean. On the west coast of our country a new kind of rock and roll was washing toward the Rocky Mountains, it was the sound of the surfer bands. With a heavy beat, a fast paced rhythm guitar and vocals that pined for a perfect wave, a California babe and a beach and some moonlight the surf sound was born. Then in 1963 came the group the Trashmen and this perfect world went to hell in a hand basket when “Surfin Bird” was thrust upon an unsuspecting population. The song was a combination of two other hits by the band the Rivingtons, Papa-Omm-Mow-Mow The Bird and is The Word. The Trashmen took these two tunes and mashed them together like an Allied Waste Truck on garbage day and the rest is history. This song had begun to fade into the deep dark recesses of many minds until the TV show Family Guy raised it from the dead for a whole new generation to annoy their friends with.


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