Poor Taste – Bruce’s 5 Ways To Terrorize Your Tongue
Have you ever thought just how amazing our bodies are? The fact that our eyes can transform reflections of light into incredible images just blows my mind. How does our nose know the difference between bacon and bad cabbage? How can our ears tell the difference between the sound of a trash truck and a Taylor Swift tune?
But the sense that really baffles me is our sense of taste. From such a tiny part of our body, the tongue, we get enough information to know that the rice and gravy is good and the milk has gone bad. Speaking of gone bad, let’s discuss a subject I am very familiar with, poor taste. I know of poor taste not only in the way I dress but when it crosses my tongue. Here are my five least favorite things to experience in a tasteful setting.
Toothpaste and Orange Juice– When these two items are introduced into the mouth separately, they rock. I love the minty fresh feeling of a freshly cleaned mouth. I also love the delicious sunny flavor of fresh squeezed orange juice. I don’t like these two tastes together. What causes this? There is a scientific explanation but not a very conclusive one. It has to do with how the saliva in your mouth reacts to the chemicals in both substances. All I know is I would rather drink toilet water from a gas station than have to taste this awful combo.
BC Powders and Coffee– I wake up early every morning, I drink coffee. I get headaches, I take BC Powders. I find I sometimes forget and combine the two. I am then reminded what it must be like to lick the dirty underbelly of a musk ox in mating season. What an awful flavor. BC Powder is not really supposed to be tasted, you are supposed to take it fast so it can get to work fast. Most people take it with water. When water isn’t handy and all you have is Community Dark Roast black, you are going to see stars and taste the rain gutter.
Burned Popcorn and Diet Coke – You show me a home with a microwave and I will show you someone who has bitten into maybe the worst morsel of radiated snack food known to man. Burned popcorn… not only does it make any living space reek of sweaty underpants and blown electrical parts, it tastes about the same. Combine that unholy flavor with the not to sweet but, oh- so- delicious- by- itself-flavor of Diet Coke and it’s as if you have run your tongue across the unwashed bottom of a Weber Grill. Let me clarify, Diet Coke from a bottle or a can is not as bad, but if you get Diet Coke from a fountain and then hit it with a handful of charred corn kernels, you are going to be pressure washing your mouth at the sink with that dish sprayer gadget.
Bad Pistachios or that Shriveled Up Peanut– You know the one I am talking about. You are munching along on your salty pistachios or your fresh roasted peanuts. Everything is good and right with the world when suddenly, because you were eating on autopilot, you get a hold of that one nut that just aint right. It has a taste reminiscent of organic garden fertilizer. The kind of fertilizer you get from the north end of a southbound bull. The unsavory flavor tends to linger on your pallet much like the aroma of a baby’s dirty diaper on a cross country flight. The only cure and cleansing I can suggest is to eat more nuts. Hopefully the bad one wasn’t your last one because you might wind up having that taste in your mouth all the way to the grave.
Bakers Chocolate and Nyquil – This is the one where you my dear reader discover that I am not wired correctly. This is also where I implore all parents to keep all medicines and baker’s chocolate out of reach of children. When I was 5, that’s 45 years ago y’all, I spied a huge piece of chocolate in our kitchen pantry.
I used to love chocolate when I was 5. This may have been the biggest single piece of chocolate my little eyes had ever seen. It had a picture on the wrapper of a guy that looked like Chef Boyardee. I liked his ravioli I would probably adore his chocolate. It was as if this incredible chocolate treat was begging me to sink my teeth into its sweet, creamy, deliciousness.
Chef Boyardee lies when it comes to chocolate. I would later find out that bakers chocolate is used to make scrub brushes and asphalt and feminine hygiene products. It is the nastiest tasting thing I have ever put in my mouth. How dare they call it chocolate? After my tongue recognized the seductive flavor I was expecting was not going to materialize, I began frantically searching for something to wash the horrid flavor out of my mouth. That’s when I spied the bottle of what I thought was minty fresh mouthwash sitting right there on the kitchen counter. How convenient, I would take a swig and the nasty chocolate would be whisked away by the wonderful flavor of mint.
Nyquil looks a lot like mouthwash to a five year old. Nyquil by itself has a flavor resembling Armageddon. When combined with the bitter dark forces of evil that make up baker’s chocolate a whole new flavor is created. It’s called projectile vomiting.
I apologize for being so graphic but I wanted to warn as well as entertain. I hope the mistakes of my life won’t be added to the mistakes of yours. What are some of the worst tastes you’ve ever tasted? Please share what flavors you hope to never savor again and we can compare notes when we next visit on the radio.