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10 Telltale Signs Your Relationship Is Doomed

20th Century Fox | Paramount Pictures

You both know it’s coming and it’s most likely going to be unpleasant. Listed below are some of the many signs you’re most likely going to split up.

If you wince or twitch at any of the mentioned below you need to bail. Fast. Before she posts drunken pictures of you on Facebook swaddling your frat brother.

No sexy time

What’s that you say? Oh noes. No sex or a decreased sex life is probably one of the foremost indicators of a breakup on the horizon. Your partner has had a significant decrease in their lovey dovey ways and their affection seems to be focused on other areas, such as that tub of Ben and Jerry’s and their Sunday night dates with Dexter. While at times a decreased sex life can just be part of life with other things getting in your way like work, if everything else is otherwise seemingly normal, you should be having sex. A lot.

Lack of Effort

You used to do tons of things together; she would even accompany you to your ridiculous greyhound racing games even though she seemed horrified and embarrassed to be with you. Now it’s just an enormous effort for her to even take the train to meet you for dinner. She just can’t be bothered and would rather stay in bed making sure her Sims are WooHooing while you’re stuck eating Pad Thai solo. Sucker.

Sloppy Arguments

Everyone fights and everyone argues or bickers in relationships; if you don’t, you’re not human or you have the perfect formula for your clone. And even then you’d punch yourself in the nuts from time to time. When words and your fights become completely malicious and are below the belt, this is a serious sign that the other person is completely losing respect for your feelings and really just doesn’t care anymore to work things out in a civil manner.

Fantasizing about bachelorhood

Things started off awesome; you two were inseparable and would spend most of your waking moments together (which can be a problem in itself.) But, you find yourself thinking more and more about what it used to feel like when you were single, all the free time you had and the great parts about not checking in with someone when you were stumbling into your house drunk, smelling like Rick’s Cabaret at 5am.

Secrets

It’s obvious. Something weird is going on and you’re not sure what it is, but you’re pretty sure it’s something. Your girlfriend would generally share everything with you; even completely unnecessary information about her ex’s that would terrify you. But you love her, so, you’d suck it up and let it go, But now, she’s got less to say to you and seems to be signing out of her Gmail account and not saving the password as usual. She mentions new people or new guys she’s hanging out with or you happen to find a CD of music she’d never otherwise listen to in your CD player. Buyer beware, she’s probably already cheating. So, kill her cat and move out of there.

She looks…uglier. Or you do, to her.

That awesome scar on her leg you thought made her look distinguished and a hero for saving baby twin boys from a burning building, yeah…not so much anymore. When people fall in love or are at the beginning stages of dating and really dig each other their physical looks actually change. Your complete perception of them is literally and physically changed, even if you weren’t initially attracted to them. Now, either she or you are less attracted to what you were initially slobbering all over.

You’re wrong. All the time.

This isn’t about fighting; this is about being a bitch. Or, in your case, an asshole. There’s always option C, where you can claim yourself a complete anal retentive person and should be single. Forevs. The way you load up that dishwasher? Wrong. The way you wash your “whack rag” after your alone time? Wrong. You can’t even speak without being nitpicked and micro-managed to death and taught on what you should have said and how you should say it in the future. A lot of people get like this and having your partner constantly attack you is unpleasant and wrong, but in a relationship when it usually gets to this point, either stick it out for true love or grab a noose.

Negative Nancy

Either one of you is constantly being negative about anything you can possibly think of in the relationship. This can lead to your own imagination running rampant towards something that isn’t even there. Complaining about never going out when you went out last night (or the like) is a sure sign that one of your minds are becoming warped and looking for the exit aisle in the relationship.

Wandering Interest

We all look at the opposite (or same) sex and are attracted to them. We have eyes and we like what we see, but what divides us from the animals is we can hold back and not start randomly humping strangers on the street. Except for you, Alex. We find ourselves becoming more and more attracted to others and eventually wondering if we should just strike up a casual conversation and see where it takes us. Next is exchanging numbers and after that it all goes downhill. If you find yourself looking for escapes and being more interested in others more so than usual, you is in trouble.

Humor-less

Your laughter is dead. In fact, you can’t remember the last time your significant other made you laugh or snort milk out of your nose. Humor plays an important part of a relationship, and this isn’t even about actual humorous things, but the way it was translated at the time to you. Those quirky mannerisms or idiosyncrasies that seemed to be extremely funny that had you rolling over gasping for air is no more. It’s just not plain fun being with your partner anymore, and that is the biggest crime of all, aside from actually finding your girlfriend with a penis in her mouth that’s not yours.

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