What 25 Years Of Marriage Has Taught Me
On Tuesday my wife Jill and I will have been married for 25 years. That means that for half of my life I have been married. It has been an incredible ride for me. For Jill I am sure it has been more like the Tower of Terror but she has survived with a minimal amount of gray hair and tranquilizers. Being married to a semi-professional child isn’t easy so I admire her willingness to stick with me through the years. I must confess our time together has taught me some things too. All of them are real, some of them are helpful and most of them will get me in trouble when Jill reads them.
Check The Toilet Paper Before You Sit Down- My wife, like most women, loves to use toilet paper. I don’t know exactly what she uses so much of it for but she does. I can put a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom in the morning when I wake up and by the time I need it later in the day it is gone. If she was a teenager I would be checking her bra but I don’t think that is where it is going.
Clean Isn’t What I Think Clean Is- There are three kinds of clean in my life. “Bruce clean” which means most of the livestock has been moved to the outdoors, the dirt on the floor won’t stick to your shoes and the children don’t get stuck to the counters. “Jill clean” means no dust, the toilets are spotless and there is a spring like aroma through out the house. The third kind of clean is “her mother is coming for a visit clean” this is the kind of clean they have to have when they build space shuttles. There can be no dirt within 1500 feet of the house, the children have buffed and polished to a Pat Boone family shine and even my colon is clean enough to eat out of.
The Solution To Most Problems Do Not Require Me To Speak At All- In fact me opening my mouth is leading cause of more problems. It doesn’t matter if the house is on fire, a kid got a bad grade in school or her boss is a jerk the best way for me to help is be quiet and listen. An occasional grunt of participation might be needed to verify that I have not fallen asleep but still non-verbal interaction will keep you out of the emergency room.
Be Nice, She Buys Your Underwear- Most men do not buy their own underwear. When they were boys it was Mom who bought the Underoos. In the teen and college years under drawers became that extra gift underneath the Christmas tree and for birthdays. After marriage it’s the wife that picks up the six pack and in fact determines boxers or briefs. If you make her mad she will short you a few inches on the top and cut your breathing room around the bottom. Unless you want to sound like a Bee Gee you better be nice.
The Real Reason She Wants You To Take Her Out- She will tell you she just has to try the new restaurant in town. She will say that new movie has gotten rave reviews but she will not tell you the real reason you need to take her out. She wants you to show her off. The real reason she wants you to take her out on the town is this. She wants you to show the world you are proud of her. She wants to know that despite you being tired, being broke, and the fact that the football game is on, she is the most important thing in your world. Trust me guys, if you show her off like you show off a bowling trophy or a new car it will make her night and she in turn will make YOUR night.
Those are some of my crazy observation on a quarter century of matrimony. I am grateful I have a partner who understands that my obtuse views of the world are imagined and greatly exaggerated. It has been an amazing journey with Jill, I am grateful she is too much of a kind hearted Christian to tell you the truth about me.