People Saints Fans Must Hate
by: Jeaux Sportsbreaux

As we head into the 2013 season, I think it’s a healthy exercise for Saints fans to remind themselves of the certain individuals they are required to hate with all of their being.

I don’t consider myself a person who harbors a lot of hatred. But, as a Saints fan, I am required to hate certain people. It’s just the cross I bear. I know this hatred is irrational. But, I don’t care. It’s entirely possible and in some cases completely true that these individuals are wonderful people. But, again, I don’t care. One day, someone on this list may pull me out of a burning inferno or throw himself in front of a car that is about to run over the world’s cutest handicap puppy, but even these acts would not quell my hatred. So, without further ado people Saints fans are required to hate . . .

NOTE: This list is not strictly ranked from least hated to most hated, but generally proceeds from guys I really hate to guys who I would punch in the nose if the lights suddenly went out.

Arthur Blank/Matt Ryan/Roddy White

The current Falcons triumvirate makes my stomach turn for different reasons. I hate Roddy White because he constantly runs his mouth. I like Roddy White, because he constantly drops passes. Roddy White can enrage Saints fans in 140 characters more than any other individual. I’d like to tweet Roddy White a fistpic right in his nose.
Matty “Ice” is simply obnoxious. He looks like he should be in a boy band. And, maybe that’s where he should be considering he has a 1-4 playoff record. God, he is so clutch . . . every fifth playoff game.

Arthur Blank looks like a cartoon villain and is the reason I shop at Lowe’s.,,

Greggggggg Williams
It’s difficult to put former Saints on this list (Gregggg is the first of three). I will always be grateful to Gregggggggggggg Williams because he was the Saints’ Defensive Coordinator when we won the Super Bowl. But, I hate him for two reasons. First, his name abuses the letter “g.” Second, his bounty program costs the Saints their head coach for a season while Drew Brees was in his prime. He also may have single-handedly murdered Drew Brees’s legacy with his ridiculous defensive call against San Francisco.

If I had a Delorian that could go back in time, I would take it back to right before Greggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg was concocting his bounty program and suggest that his time may be better spent coming up with a defense that could stop a tight end who is his team’s only offensive weapon at a crucial moment in a playoff game. .

Merton Hanks’s Neck
I’m not sure if I hate Merton Hanks or his neck.

Steve Smith
If the Saints are playing the Panthers and a Carolina quarterback throws the ball more than 30 yards in the air, Steve Smith will catch it. He could use one hand or two. He might catch it behind his knee while smashing two Saints defensive backs’ heads together. Steve

Smith is a bad man.

Remember this. Steve Smith caught a pass while throwing a Saints defender to the ground, took a cheap shot from Roman Harper, then tossed Malcom Jenkins around like a Freshman who walked into the Seniors’ bathroom. I hate Steve Smith.

Jonathan Sullivan
Wow Jon . . . where to begin. I guess I blame myself for having the ridiculous expectation that a guy who was taken 6th overall in the NFL draft should finish his career with more than 1.5 sacks. Also, it was wrong for the organization to expect so much additional work from you. I mean they traded up to draft you at 6th overall, and then, they had the gall to expect you to practice?! WTF Saints?

Sullivan’s only redeeming characteristic is that when we traded him to the Patriots he didn’t suddenly become a Warren Sapp-Reggie White freak hybrid. I was legitimately nervous that Belichick would somehow turn him into a quarterback-eating manimal. But, you were who we thought you were.

Jason David
After doing a bit of cursory research (note: cursory research means Googling something), I discovered that the play action pass began with the Kansas City Chiefs in the 1960s. Jason David saw it for the first time in 2007. Jason David reacted to play action passes like people seeing David Blaine perform street magic for the first time. Seriously, if Jason David was a caveman the play action pass was fire.

I remember being excited when we got Jason David from the Colts. I can only imagine how my excitement was dwarfed by Peyton Manning’s going into Week 1 of 2007. It must have taken Archie hours to get him to bed before that game. An excerpt from ESPN’s article following David’s first game as a Saint:

Another major player -- for both sides -- was New Orleans cornerback Jason David, who started for the Colts in their Super Bowl win over Chicago and then left as a free agent. He was victimized by Harrison on a 27-yard TD pass in the first half and again by Wayne on both his scores, the second a 45-yarder in the fourth quarter.

Colts defeat Saints In Week 1 of 2007

It wasn’t even fair. It was painful to watch. And, it was only the beginning.

Phil Luckett
Of all the poor officiating the Saints have seen over the years, Phil Luckett stands alone.

His collision with Joe Horn is awkward and terrifying. It’s amazing that he couldn’t get out of the way.

Kurt Warner and Mike Martz

Kurt Warner is one of the guys who is probably incredible off the field and I regret that I have to hate him for all eternity. “Kurt Warner bagged groceries,” proclaimed every pregame highlight package before every game Kurt Warner played in. Really, did Kurt Warner bag groceries? I think I remember hearing you mention that every time he attempted a pass for the past five seasons. Time Machine Use #2: I take the Delorian back to the grocery store where Kurt Warner worked. Buy a ton of groceries. Stay silent as he bags them all in plastic bags, then right as he finishes say, “I said paper.” Jeaux 1, Past Kurt 0.

Two factors mitigate my hatred of Kurt Warner: (1) Hakim dropped the ball. (let’s all be honest, Kurt Warner scores a touchdown otherwise); (2) Bobby McCray hit Kurt Warner so hard in 2009 that I almost felt sorry for him for like a quarter of a second. Only two things were wrong with that hit. First, I wish Warner was playing for the Rams when it happened. Second, I wish La’Roi Glover would have delivered it. La’Roi Glover works for the Rams now, so maybe he could just lay him out without warning one day in the hallway.

The good thing about hating Mike Martz is that you don’t have to be a Saints fan to hate him, only a human. Asides from the whole, evil genius thing, Mike Martz just looked like an ass. Like, if you had to borrow a pen from someone and there were 100 people around, Mike Martz is the last one you would ask. If I ever get audited by the I.R.S., I completely expect Mike Martz to be the auditor.

Photo by Doug Benc/Getty Images
Photo by Doug Benc/Getty Images

“Mr. Sportsbreaux, it’s Michael Martz of the Internal Revenue Service. We’ve found some discrepancies in your tax reporting. Call me back, I’ll be on my Motorola headset.”

Katrina Season Tom Benson

Does anyone remember when Tom Benson was caught on camera taking a swing at a cameraman in the bowels of Tiger Stadium? Me too. Wasn’t that crazy? He looked like a cross between Gollum, Sasquatch and Betty White in that video. What’s even crazier is that we had a great year the following year and everyone just forgot it happened.

It’s like we all woke up the following morning after a night on Bourbon and everyone kind of looked at each other and said, “WTF was up with Tom last night?” But, we decided never to mention it again, because it might embarrass him. And, he drove to the McDonald’s and bought us all sausage McMuffins.

I think you have to rank Benson in the top 3 most important New Orleans sports figures with Brees and Archie. But, when the city was still drying out, Benson went absolutely batsh*t crazy. Never forget. I hate you Katrina season Tom Benson, more than a Katrina season Aaron Brooks backwards pass.

Steve Young, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice

The series between the Saints and 49ers from 1983 to until the new millennium slightly favors the 49ers. (26 – 8).

In large part, the 49ers dominated the Saints due to these three guys. I will hate them now and forever. I also don’t like the current version of the 49ers. I’m lukewarm on the city of San Francisco and Rice-a-Roni makes me vomit.

Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images
Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

So who did Jeaux Sportsbreaux leave out? There's one obvious omission, but that's for you decide. Who deserves to be on this list?

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