Bruce’s 5 Worst Halloween Treats
To me and millions of other children the term "treat" implies something good, something desired something you really would like to have. Some people just don’t understand the word treat and that really is brought out into the open when Halloween rolls around every year. We all know the houses that don’t get the concept of treats; we called them the bad houses. When I was a kid you had to make a trick or treat stop there because the people that lived in those houses knew your parents. Still the savvy ghost, goblin or monster of the day did his or her best to avoid these bad treat houses if at all possible. These are the houses that handed out Bruce’s 5 Worst Halloween Treats.
In a pinch raisins were something you could eat, but not something you wanted to eat. The main reason, they were recommended by your Mom. Halloween is not about ingesting anything that is good for you. Not to mention that most of the raisins you would receive on Halloween came out of the little box and maintained the shape of the little box in your hand. Who really wants to eat shriveled up dried pieces of chewy goo that’s good for you? Especially when there are pieces of chewy goo that taste better and have no nutritional value.
If I wanted coupons I would have gotten the Sunday paper and not gone to all the trouble to dress up as a pirate and come knock your door. Coupons are treats of the weak minded and thoughtless. The gift of a coupon for Halloween carries as much sentiment as a gift card for an anniversary present. It’s almost as if the homeowner is saying I am participating in this pagan ritual of Halloween just to protect my trees from toilet paper. Most of the coupons we got as kids were for things we would never buy any way, what 7 year old needs $10 off an oil change?
Of all the bad treats for Halloween at least this one fills the bill for being scary. To me, there is nothing more painful than unwrapping a piece of candy in the dark, popping it in your mouth and then finding out some spawn of Satan had just given you licorice. Talk about a nasty taste, I think I would rather help the dog in his personal grooming with my own tongue than have the taste of licorice in my mouth. I don’t know of anyone who actually likes licorice. I would imagine if you are a fan of licorice you probably enjoy the great taste of Nyquil and you chew up aspirin just to savor the flavor.
Many of you have heard the phrase, size matters, haven’t you? Well in life, love and Halloween candy remember that phrase. Ladies when your man gives you a diamond do you want the big full size or the fun size? Guys when you order a beer at the ball game do you ask for the large or the fun size? Fun size is corporate America’s way to make mothers who buy Halloween candy feel good about dropping 95 grams of sugar on unsuspecting children. Here is the truth, if you give a kid fun size candy bars, he is going to eat four or five of them at a time. That is the equivalent of almost 2 full size candy bars! If you had just given out the full size bar, that’s all he would have eaten.
You might as well hand out home enema kits if you’re going to be passing out tooth brushes. Halloween is a night for debauchery, mischief and covert fun and games; not healthy gums, flossing and spitting, unless licorice is involved. The person that gives out the toothbrush is a dentist. They do this so their appearance in the community is one of caring. Secretly the dentist knows he or she can hand out the offending instruments because every other mom and dad on the block is doing his dirty work for him. The dentist knows that Halloween isn’t just a night for treats, it’s a night the new car gets paid for, the swimming pool gets a new pool house and the trip to Tahiti gets finalized. A toothbrush for Halloween is about as exciting as inviting friends to come over on the 4th of July to watch dishrags dry in the sun.