I've been single on Valentines Day, and I've been in relationships on Valentines Day. Trust me, the grass ain't any greener. It sucks for everybody. Over the years I've come to develop a particular disdain for what is probably the most contrived and commercial holidays ever created. So whether you've got some significant other out there right expecting a token of your affection, or you're dateless and pitiful, sit back and enjoy Five Reasons Why Valentines Day Sucks.

  • 5

    Size Matter

    Make no mistake, Valentines Day is a competition, and unfortunately for you, you will most likely have no idea who you are competing against, or what your competition is bringing to the table. Think delivering a dozen roses to her office was a good idea? Maybe it was, until her over achieving co-worker's boyfriend Jerry arrived on an ornate chariot pulled by two Clydesdale's with four dozen roses, eight boxes of chocolates, and a life sized teddy bear. Suddenly, your dozen roses ain't looking so hot. Suddenly, the curve has been raised and you've got an angry girlfriend wondering why she isn't loved as much as her co-worker. Thanks a lot Jerry.

  • 4

    Unsolicited Advice

    Love is not in the air today. That smell is smugness. If you are single on Valentines Day it's nothing to be ashamed of, but it still might be a good idea to hide out in your house all day; because if you go outside you risk running into every couple you know, and when they see you, they will no doubt offer the most smug and condescending advice you will have in no way asked to receive.

    “It's not that you aren't special, you just haven't found the right person to appreciate you yet.”

    “I hope one day you can find what we have.”

    “You've got to learn to love yourself before someone can love you.”

    Hey thanks for the advice Dr. Phil, but didn't you guys break up twice last month?

  • 3

    Self Depression

    The only thing worse than receiving unsolicited life advice from smug couples is listening to the ridiculous self deprecating stories of single people feeling sorry for themselves. Years ago, at least you had to go out of your house to listen to delusional pity parties, but these days with social media all you have to do is log on and check your NewsFeed.

    “Yep, no Valentine for me. Cool life.”

    “Love is a blessing I know not of. #single”

    “My co-worker has four dozen roses, eight boxes of chocolates, and a life sized friggen bear.”

    “Who needs boys when you have wine”.

    I'm not saying you have love being dateless on Valentines Day, but please, save the desperation for the casino. It ain't doing you any favors.


  • 2

    Zero Thought

    Whoever coined the phrase, “it's the thought that counts” obviously never had a girlfriend. Valentines Day is incredibly contrived and material driven. We are conned into spending ridiculous amounts of money on ridiculous symbols of our affection. And the saddest part is it takes zero thought or effort. It's all about the material. It doesn't require undying love to make someones Valentine's Day, just a credit card, internet access, and $. These days, online flower shops make shopping for V-Day about as easy and efficient as a Nascar pit stop. You just click on what you want, punch in the numbers and you're done. What is the fun in that?

  • 1

    St. Valentine

    Although any of the reasons above make Valentines Day pretty terrible, for me, nothing makes it suck more than the story of how Valentine's Day originated. Wait, excuse me, let me clarify that… Nothing makes Valentine's Day suck more than the lack of a story of how it originated. While we are led to believe in a myth about Saint Valentine, historians can't quite make a connection between Valentine's Day and any particular person. There were many Saint Valentines, but none with a strong historical claim to the day. In fact, the church deleted Valentine's Day from its calendar in 1969. Our best guess at this point is that Valentine's Day as we now know it originated in the writings of Geoffrey Chaucer in the Middle Ages.