What You Didn’t Know About Toilet Paper – Bruce Reports From A Sitting Position
There is a place we all go to get away from the world. When we don't have those moments in time we get frustrated, angry, bloated, and hard to deal with. I maintain that's why women have so many more emotional issues than men do. The difference between the sexes? Men go poop a lot more than women do.
Some would say that's because men are full of it. I would maintain it's because men have this time to sit, reflect, think, and analyze. So like most of you, I no longer carry a newspaper into the bathroom with me when I go. I have a smartphone. Just as you do, I browse social media, check the weather, and research important information while I wait for nature to finish its call.
Today I am contemplating that roll of toilet tissue that is balanced on top of the spindle it is supposed to be placed upon. We never put the roll on the spindle, we balance it because we are lazy and quite frankly it's easier to use.
I wonder how much toilet paper the average person will use in a lifetime. Well according to the good folks at Charmin we use 8.6 sheets per trip. That figure must not include my daughter who appears to go through a roll of tissue every time she visits the toilet.
If you do the math, that works out to about 57 sheets per day. If you do more math then you're looking at 20,800 sheets per year. Those are the soft white fluffy facts, not we need to do some speculation. Let's assume you start handling your own business at the age of four. Let's assume that you live to the average life expectancy of 78 years. That means you have 74 years of personal cleaning to calculate.
Based on our strange speculation theory you will use 1,539,200 sheets of toilet tissue over your lifetime. Each sheet is measured as a 4.5 inch by 4.5 inch square. If we do the math again then you have used 6,926,400 inches of toilet tissue to keep your bum from chaffing, itching, and smelling bad.
Are you ready for some more math? Based upon my elementary ability to perform calculations, you will use slightly over 1,311 miles of toilet tissue in your life time. That is enough toilet tissue to stretch from Lafayette Louisiana to Reading Pennsylvania. Reading is the fifth most populated city in Pennsylvania and is most famous for its railroad in Monopoly. It also has a large portion of its population living in poverty. Maybe I should have picked another city?
Anyway, I hope you use these facts the next time you're at a party that you really want to leave. I find bringing this kind of information into social situations is a sure fire way to be asked to make an early exit. I don't mind leaving early, I can't use a strange toilet anyway.