There are some that doubt the existence of Heaven. Therefore they must also doubt the existence of hell. I do believe in an afterlife in paradise so by my own reasoning there must be a hell.

Some describe hell as a fiery place full of attorneys and telemarketers. I think it is much worse than that. I think hell is a place where all reason and logic are thrown out the window and common sense has yet to evolve. It's kind of like the checkout line at Walmart on a Saturday afternoon. As bad as that might seem, I do believe there are at least 5 things on Earth that could give hell in any shape, form, or fashion a run for its money.

  • 1

    A Farting Dog In The Bed

    You lie in blissful slumber, your mind and body are at rest and at peace. Suddenly without a sound a noxious gas is released upon your space. It creeps toward you silently. It then fills your nose with the stench of rotting garbage mixed with putrid chicken. The dog has just farted in the bed. You find yourself gasping for breath desperately trying to determine the direction the attack is coming from. You kick and flail the covers and create a transverse wind current in the direction of your spouse. Almost as quickly as it came, it is gone and the stench is replaced by the sound of your beloved spouse berating you for pushing the awful smell in her direction. You again lay your head on the pillow not knowing if another volley will soon be released when you least expect it.

    Staff Photo
  • 2

    Using Plastic Wrap

    This is a task that looks simple enough on the outside. Beneath that calm see through exterior lies a maddening feat that only a few butchers and grocery store people have mastered. I am guessing they sold their souls for this skill. It is the ability to put plastic cling wrap on a bowl or around leftovers or anywhere other than stuck to itself. This clingy light weight foe knows you don't respect it. Then once the box is open the match is on. First the end where you peel it off will become virtually invisible to the naked eye. Then once the roll has been breached one side of the wrap will not unravel evenly with the other. Next you will attempt to cover a bowl with this hellish substance. The entire roll will come out of the box with every attempt you make to cut the plastic wrap on the built in cutter. In your frustration you reach toward the cutter severing a major artery in your finger. This plastic wrap stuff provides freshness for evil and never for good.

    Staff Photo
  • 3

    Adobe Updates

    I am sure the good citizens of the Adobe Company work very hard to insure their product is always up to speed and ready to perform for the customers who use it. I don't understand why they feel the need to update the software every hour and fifteen minutes. This notification to update Adobe seems to come at the most inopportune times. It's usually about the time your ready to finalize your document and save it that the Adobe fairy comes calling. Much like the Microsoft Paper Clip thing the Adobe update request has probably driven thousands to an early grave. The sheer madness of this seemingly innocent request made hour after hour is the technological equivalent of being poked to death with a tack. I am sure in Heaven the software we used the last millennium will work just as well in this millennium. And one more thing, stop trying to make McAfee happen on my computer.

    Staff Photo
  • 4

    Change On Top Of The Receipt

    I like to get change back when I spend my money. I like to have a receipt to clarify and verify my purchases. I don't like to have my change placed on top of my receipt and placed into my one free hand when I buy something. I am guessing there is some cashier instructor with horns and tail that teaches this method of customer interaction in hell's grocery store. What usually happens when I get my change this way is I wad up all the change, bills, six miles of coupons,and paper money and stuff it into my coat pocket. This means my jacket pocket is now pumped up like the collagen stuffed lips of a Real Housewife of Atlanta. Is it possible to make two trips Mr. or Ms Cashier? Could you hand me my change, the stuff I am really concerned with and then hand me the coupons and receipt? I know it's an extra step and  you've got a conversation going with the bag boy but come on, help a brother out.

    Staff Photo
  • 5

    Private Conversations On Facebook

    To the people that I love I go out of my way to express my feelings in person. It's usually with a kiss, a hug, a touch, or even a nice note. Sometimes that note is sent via text or email. Never do I share my deepest passions out in the open on Facebook. If you love your wife, great go tell her don't stick it on my news feed. If your snooky wooky is the bomb diggity between the sheets, I don't need to know that. The fact that you think about her or him with every breath does not need to pass through my brain. Share your love, share your feelings, express them often but do that where we don't have to see. Life needs to have some mystery and your pet names and childlike passion for each other is harder to swallow than a spoonful of roux.

    Staff Photo