When I was a kid I used to show sheep for 4-H. Sometimes during the course of a livestock show while the judge was looking at my lamb, the darn animal would crap all over me. I just had to smile and get covered with poo and pretend like I was enjoying it. 4-H was great training for some of the jobs that I've had to do in my life.

To be truthful most of my real jobs have been in the radio industry. I know using the term real job to describe radio is like using the word intelligence to describe a politician but if you read on you'll understand my choice of words.

It's true my illustrious show business career has seen me submerged in milk, left at the top of shopping mall sign for six hours, strapped to the back of a goat, tied down to the bow of a speeding drag boat, bowling dressed as Aunt Bee from Mayberry, singing and dancing dressed as 80's pop star Boy George, and master of ceremonies for a kids fashion show that included lingerie. I still haven't decided if I was an accessory to a crime in that one.

But none of those oddities can quite compare to the gigs I have taken when there was a slight disagreement between broadcast management and the on air personality, namely me. The disagreement was this, I wanted to work and they didn't want to field anymore angry phone calls from attorneys, livestock producers, produce stands, fish processing plants, personal lubricant manufacturers, and the office of television mogul Ted Turner.

It was during these in between job months that I found myself doing jobs that I was just not suited for. I'm not saying the gigs were bad, I was just the wrong person to do the gig. For example, I drove a UPS Truck for a day. My demise started when I killed the battery and maybe the transmission in the package car. Then I  had to be brought back to the UPS sorting facility in Dallas on a tow truck hook, they decided I was not part of the tightest ship in the shipping business. I didn't even last long enough to attend my first Teamsters meeting.

I also once served as an apprentice to Satan, or at least his work. I taught people how to do telemarketing. When you're blessed with a decent speaking voice and know how to carry on a conversation with people you can be a pretty good telemarketer.

I got so good selling prearranged funeral plans, yeah I really did that, the company wanted me to be their corporate trainer. I had my own secretary, my own office, I got paid a nice commission and I prayed for the angel of Death to visit me everyday to put me out of my misery.

Those are just a couple of the in between assignments gigs that I have had in my stellar radio career. Like I said, the jobs aren't bad. I was just really bad at them.  In fact I would recommend working for UPS they have a nice operation for people that can follow directions. I would not suggest telemarketing job unless you've already traded your soul for a chance to be on Wheel of Fortune or a can of sardines. There is no excuse for being a telemarketer.

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