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5 Crazy Inventions Bruce Could Live Without

There is always a better way. It may take years or decades to create that better way but there is always a better way. That’s why so many people dedicate their lives to creating and marketing new products for the masses so we too can reach the optimum enjoyment of life. Just think of the countless lives that were changed because of the Snuggie?

No more cold TV watching, book reading or just looking sexy on the couch with the Snuggie you’re all in. For a lot of us being completely covered is a good thing. I count the Snuggie as a great invention I couldn’t live without. Here are some inventions that somebody wasted a lot of time and patent attorney fees on if you ask me.

Uroclub
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The Uro Club- At first glance you’re probably thinking this is some European thing. Well you’d be almost right. It does involve “peein” and if you notice the “Uro” doesn’t come with an E on the front. That’s right this is a urinal that is shaped like a golf club that golfers who are afraid of going behind the trees can use to empty those beers from the front nine. The reason this invention is stupid is this. Guys like to pee outside. Just ask Blake Shelton! The Uro Club is like a kidney stone the size of a cantaloupe, it just doesn’t pass with me.

 

 

 

 

 

Fuzzy Toilet Seat Covers- There are two kinds of people in this world, those that hate fuzzy toilet seat covers and women. Women love the fuzzy toilet seat cover because it gives them one more thing to mix and match and bring the room together. Men, we don’t go to the bathroom for the ambiance. We usually have to light a match to make sure the ambiance won’t kill the next user if you know what I mean. Men also have an aversion to the fuzzy toilet seat cover because it often prevents the lid from staying in the upright and open position. That becomes a problem when you are trying to shoot down the hanging urinal cake with the force of your stream. Maybe women like the ever falling cover because it means the seat will be in the ready to use position when nature calls them. There is no need, there is an alarm for that already.  The fuzzy toilet seat cover is just like drugs. Say No!

 

 

Spinmallow
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The Spinmallow- Americans have gotten fatter and lazier in the course of my generation. I blame technology for a good chunk of that girth we’ve gained. Where we used to go play golf, softball, horse shoes or go bowling we now do that on a computer. That is sad.

What is even sadder is the Spinmallow. It is a marshmallow roasting stick that rotates the marshmallow automatically as you hold it over the fire. You don’t even have to trouble yourself to bend your wrist every five to ten seconds anymore. Have we gotten that lazy? I think what makes this even worse is after a minute of not doing any physical labor at all you are going to shove a blackened blob of molten sugar into your mouth.If you watch the video I think the kid at :36 seconds into it gets rabies from using the Spinmallow.

It is no wonder Wilford Brimley wants to send you free testing supplies and a talking monitor for your diabetes. Trust me friends, you can rotate that stick on your own and then feel good about those extra insulin shots later in life. At least you can say you did your part by avoiding the Spinmallow.

 

wicker chairs
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Wicker Chairs- as a lad of portly stature, translate that to mean a fat guy, wicker is my sworn enemy. Wicker is something that appeals to the feminine side of the gender. It’s light weight, it can be moved around easily it’s fun to accessorize with cute cushions and it basically just sucks if you ask me.

Wicker is bad for several reasons. When you are a big boy there is always the chance of the molecular structure of the wicker letting go with you on top of it. I personally have gone butt to floor when the wicker gave way three times in my life. That is a tough apology. “I’m sorry my fat ass broke your crappy chair”. You will find your hostess will be so unforgiving you will never be invited back. It one case that hostess was my Mom.

Another reason to hate wicker is the sound it makes when you move around in the chair. The creaks and pops and groans are reminiscent of what sex at a nursing home must sound like. Nobody wants to think that thought and now every time you sit in a wicker chair that image of Bea Arthur and Andy Griffith getting busy is going to haunt your imagination.

 

Voice Recognition Software- Again the case of a good idea that is too good for regular people. How many times have you gotten messages from friends, parents, your spouse or boss that read like a badly disjointed Harlequin Romance?Maybe it is my Southern Accent that the software can’t recognize that has lead to such great texts like  ” We should ask the principal if his finger still smells like pig anus?” I have sent that text. It was supposed to be “We should ask the principal if he’s finished painting the fences”. Thanks to my voice recognition software on my phone I am not on the board for my kid’s parent teacher council anymore.

There is nothing more horrible than sending an off color text to someone who may or may not have your sense of humor. I think voice recognition software may be the leading cause of broken iPhone screens and sexual harassment cases in corporate America.

I agree the idea is good but “my lingering fart just colorized the agenda of our next staff meeting” is the wrong way to get your co-workers attention.That was supposed to be “The library and arts organizations would like to be on the agenda of our next staff meeting”. It’s a good thing I am so strange people are afraid to confront me.

 

There were some other honorable mentions, the Hawaii Chair, the Toilet Snorkel, high heels, cat wigs and kid leashes but I only had a little bit of time to write. Is there an invention that you could live without? Or an invention that you think is so utterly absurd that you can’t understand why it was invented?

Share your hilarity with me I’ve got a lot of time. I am stuck in a broken wicker chair near my computer that smells like burning weenie water…crap darn voice recognition software.

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