I have been sequestered to a bed and a television for the past four days. A lot of people would call that a vacation. I am not one of those people. I can't listen to the radio because of the urge to call the station and interrupt the progress of my co-workers. So, I sit and I watch TV.

Why? I had a medical procedure done and I am probably not supposed to be sitting at a computer writing. I am also pretty well involved with prescription pain medicine. Just remember, I am only writing and not driving. I think I've made the better choice for all concerned.

Back to the subject at hand, being babysat by the television.

I like to watch shows about things that might actually happen to me. Since the only way I would ever "flip" a house is by trying to drive a mobile home down a mountain road I don't watch that. I don' watch remodelling shows because it reminds me of how outdated my tastes are. I don't watch judge shows because I'd really rather not involve the legal system in my life.

So, I watch cooking shows.

These shows are not real and should not be presented as real life. There should be a disclaimer. I propose something along the lines of," The actions represented in this television show are not based on real life. If this was real life most of the hosts of these shows would be pummeled with a day old loaf of french bread until they quit smiling".

Just to be clear, I do believe cooking for others can make you happy. For me, that happiness usually comes when I see people sitting down and enjoying the foods I have created. When I am scraping raw chicken from my cutting board or trying to find a knife that is sharp enough to actually cut butter I am far from happy.

Here are my most medicated opinions about some of the cooking shows I have been watching. I am not saying I don't care for these people as individuals, I just think that lying to people should be the sole domain of C-SPAN and the other major news networks.

Chopping onions, bell peppers, and smashing garlic are not a reason for a Chesire Cat grin Racheal Ray. Why must you always smile as if you farted in an elevator just before you exit to your floor? By the way, not all of us have organic goat cheese in our fridge either. You must get high before you go to the grocery because nobody would buy that stuff other than you. Not everything is "yummo" especially when it's soaked in "EVOO".

The Pioneer Woman is another non-realistic example of cooking. Are you telling me this woman who has a litter of children and an entire ranch to feed does all the cooking by herself? If that was the case she would look a lot more like Cookie on Rawhide than some plus sized model from the Amish, All That and More catalogue. This woman is far too happy to be spending so much time in the kitchen. I still don't know where she finds time to run cookies and lunch out to the fellows. The rest of her house must look like it belongs on Hoarders. 

Giada. Ahh, sweet Giada De Laurentiis. I watched her for two seasons before I realized her show was about cooking. Now that I am over her cleavage I realize she doesn't live in a world with Walmart. She is another who assumes we can all squat and produce capers with a single push. This ain't real life y'all. She likes to create food for anorexic people. When the appetizer is a single bite and the dessert is just a whiff of chocolate I think I might pass, pass out from hunger that is. Especially after I spent three hours in a kitchen making the dishes.

Trisha Yearwood, she is about as close to real as I have seen. She isn't a fanatic about measuring. She usually uses ingredients I might actually have in my house or can find at Albertson's. However, she is way overdressed for pork chops. Even Trisha succumbs to the non-real world of TV cuisine.  I watched her make food for a "girls movie night". I can only imagine poor Garth was cowering over in a corner eating a frozen turkey pot pie just praying for the guests to leave so he could make a ham sandwich and have the freedom to once again pass gas in his living room.

I guess TV cooking is supposed to be a fantasy. It certainly appears to be that way. In my kitchen, I am constantly interrupted by ringing telephones, dirty pots and pans, and ingredients that may have expired in the 1990's. This never happens on TV.  The cakes fall out of the pans, the meat is never burned, the wine goes into the dish and not into the cook.

Oh, one other thing. I hate watching the chef, cook, food maker, Guy Fieri, take a bite of food on camera and then try to describe it to me. Don't tell me about the chew, the texture, the depth of flavor and the profile. Tell me is it good and was it worth six hours in the kitchen and another three hours washing dishes to create. Also, will it taste better the next day because I plan on cooking enough to last a week.


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